I cut off my hair.

It became symbolic. The old feelings grew out my hair. Now they're cut off. New year, new hope, new hair. Phoenix is slowly rising. It will take time before she flies but from the ashes, through the fire she's growing.

Money salt

Time and money is like salt.
It's needed, it adds to everything, but it can be damaging and never the main course in itself.
Money is oh so important to get the materialistic things we need to be able to focus on other qualities in life.

Usually I'm pretty good with abstract concepts... Time and money doesn't add anything in itself, it's all about how you use it. The meaningless of it by itself makes it hard for me to grasp it, to value it. Even though I'm very well aware of its necessity and dire impact on life.

Help

To ask for help when you need it is not only sometimes the strong thing to do but also the only way to learn how to solve certain situations. If I put it like this it becomes even more obvious; if you don't have the answer to a question, you need to ask someone else. Gather information from other sources to find the answers within you.

By identifying your limits you learn how to push them forward. Like any training or school you can't teach yourself everything, you need other people sometimes.
That's why you also, every now and then, need to be that person that shares your own knowledge, that you might have acquired with the help of others. The more you share and the more you ask and listen to others, the more our communal wisdom grows.

To do, what to do

I'm going back and forth between anxiety, about my miles long to do list, and determination.

I can do this. I'm not gonna succumb into apathy, overwhelmed by fear and self doubt.

I just need to structure my daily life. Not run away from it, not try to hide any more. Prioritize. Deal with the uncomfortable situations. Feel the hard emotions, resolve the consequences from past actions.

This is the time to do it. This is the start.

Oh god give me strength.

A good new year...

I'm unpacking boxes, sorting through a lot of stuff. The more I do the more I realize how much there is that needs to be done. The ever growing to do list. The metaphor to real life is inevitable.
I am really hoping for a good 2012 for all of us. I believe it will be a better year than last. Anyone that knows me well know that that's not a hard task... Statistically very very likely.
It scared me too. Am I ready to be happy? After a few days of contemplating I realized the answer is no. But I'm finally ready to be sad. Last year was the year it all happened. Where I lost so much. This is the year to grieve. To improve. To go forward. I'm finally ready to be sad. I don't need to distract myself, numb myself, anymore. I'm ready to feel pain. I'm ready to work through it. Last year I wasn't. It was too much to bear, too overwhelming to feel. The fear took me to even darker places but it's where I had to go in order to see where that small spark of light could be. Now I'm gonna bite down. Feel that pain. It's not going to be easy. Not going to be fun. I'm not going to be happy. Because this is not the year to be happy. This is the year to BECOME happy.

Please support me through this process. Be my friend. ...I'm talking as much to myself as to anyone else.

When will I be happy again?

If the answer is never, I can't stop living my life, stop creating, stop feeling while waiting in vain. I just have to push through, feel the pain and actually be in it. 

So even though I don't want to spread negative vibes and I don't want this sadness to define me I'm still gonna publish the depressive stuff that pours out from my soul. 
Take it with a grain of salt. 

Not so merry Christmas.

Every Christmas light is like a scorn. All the pretty glitter is taunting loudly. The symbol of the tree, a repetitive reminder of what's missing. 
Here we go, once again, the story repeating itself, with the not comforting exception that the very unimaginable worst has already happen. 
But why not bruise that heart some more. Like if it wasn't already sore and heavy we have to make sure that pain can still be felt. 
What was purposely numbed and pushed into submission got lured out, now bursting in hurting agony. The hope that was hidden in jaded emptiness woke. Now crushed into smithereens, which each tremble of fear. The naive innocence from a pure need is pounding with diseased anxiety. 
A heart that hates, hope became fear, dreams turned into disappointment.  This is what we learned. And yet history got repeated. 
It's time to give up. Move on. Crawl back into the shell, don't even poke your nose out. Live sheltered, lonely and stay busy. Don't leave time for thoughts to wander. To sneakily grow into expectations and desires. 
Why do you never learn? There is no perfection and no happy endings. Your cynicism should've told you there's a reason fairy tales ends when they do; what happens after is an ugly truth. 

Dreaming a life where I'm living a dream

The calm AFTER the storm ;)

New York is tucked in.
Under a cover of snow.
The blizzard that hit NYC two days ago gave all us high wound New Yorkers a reason to stay in, stay at home, close down our businesses and comfortably relax. Use what we already have at home. Pretend like the outside world stopped existing because of the snow.

It's so empty outside. Quiet. Streets are almost empty of cars and the car services are shut down. I don't blame them after all the cars that got stuck in the snow in the middle of the road.

But it has stopped snowing now.
So I expect New York to get back to it hectic self by tomorrow.