Rainy thoughts

It's raining today.

Not a great weather for taking a long walk in. At least not when you have a cold.

I want to go out and have breakfast with a friend but calling someone at 8am on a Sunday morning maybe isn't all that nice...

I guess instead I'll have to do some boring stuff, which is so much harder to motivate myself for when I'm feeling sick. Like filling out some forms for Sweden or doing laundry. Blach, boring.

At least I woke up to a nice slightly remade livingroom with the new rocking chair and new tables.

Once again, sweet materialism.

When they say. "money can't buy happiness", it's a lie. Because it sure can, indirectly. It buys health as well. The only thing true about that statement is that it's not guaranteed. The saying should be "money doesn't guarantee happiness, it just helps a long way."

Why oh why did I choose a career as a dancer? My millions are waiting for me to come and get them. I want to be filthy rich. Well, to be serious for a while my reasoning has been like this: If I had all the money in the world, what would I choose to do? I would do what I'm doing now. So why work at another job, earning money to spend on what I'm already doing that I couldn't do if I had another job? In that sense it's not money that's bringing me the happiness. Other things than money bring happiness too. =)

It's just that if I had another career instead I would probably travel more, eat out more, go shopping more, live in a bigger apartment...but even if I want that too, what's that in itself compared to the feeling I feel when I dance? Nothing, for real.

To choose to dance is also a choice to stay active, to work out, it's an investment in health. Priceless...

New Yorkers patriotism rocking

Is it something in the air today?

Well, I did smell fall outside, for the first time this year.

But what I was referring to was the aggression that I saw, or rather heard, around the city today. When I entered the subway a lady in her 80's or maybe 70's was yelling loudly at what seemed to be her husband while they were rushing by (in old people speed), then around Union square I almost walked right into a couple that stood in the street fighting. Of course there was also the usual snappy remarks that New Yorkers are well known for and later on when I was on my way back home a guy passed me while cursing someone out over the phone.

Maybe not abnormally much in a city where you encounter so many people every day but to me it still seemed out of the ordinary.

Union square yesterday:

I just stumbled across this article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33013187/ns/health-kids_and_parenting/

At first I was wondering how the studying could forth go without involving social services and take care of the kids, until I remembered...it's legal in this country! You're not allowed to hit anybody unless it's a kid, that you're responsible for. Shivers down my back. I sometimes ask myself why I live in this country that fails its own people. Low minimum wage, racist tendencies, around 50 million without decent healthcare, but that's not important as long as we defend the right to bear arms and beat our kids.

Ok ok, there's a lot of positive things in this country as well. But as a teacher of mine once taught us; real patriotism is not just nodding and agreeing with everything, patriotism is to question, so you can improve, to make sure your country stays, or becomes, the best place in the world, then there's something you can really be proud over.

From one subject to another... Except aggressive New Yorkers (or tourists, who knows) and a little bit upset over certain things in this country I'm in a tremendous mood this sunny but cold Saturday =)

I've been up and about for three days now. Even though lungs still hurt and I'm still coughing it's a start...baby steps. My goal is to take a class on Monday. Or depending on how you see it: my goal is to NOT take a class until Monday. I want to, but really don't think I should until then. Taking walks and having lunch with friends has been a nice start. Just that has actually made me exhausted ...wow, I feel so out of shape, it's terrible. I've also, with the help of friends, finally got some important paper work done, which feels awesome. Both to have good friends, thanks girls!, and getting boring paperwork over with.

On that note I'm now going to relax in the couch for a while, or maybe in my new rocking chair!

Slowly...

Aaaah sweet materialism!

While NYC is having a hard time letting go of summer, my cold is having a hard time letting go of me. But I bribed myself with shopping and took a long walk in the sun from Union square down through Soho, all the way down to Leonard Street.

Not only did I manage to get out and be up and about yesterday, but the shopping actually made me wake up with a smile on my face this morning, going through what I bought yesterday...because when I got home last night I was too tired to appreciate it really, though I forced myself to stay up long enough for my sleeping hours to get back on track. (I did wake up around 5 am yesterday.)

I'm still coughing and my lungs hurt, but being in the sun and doing something fun gave me a little bit of energy, so I'm gonna try the same thing today =)

Lunch with friends and simple walks is step one to get back on track after this terrible chain of colds that's been haunting me. I'm trying to ease back in to "real life" so I don't end up getting so exhausted that I get sick AGAIN...but it's hard, I'm already thinking of going and take a class....I want to so bad!!

In my home

When someone suddenly suggested to me that we should, just for fun, each write a mystery, a short story, I was surprised but excited! Of course I took on the challenge. I've never written mysteries before, even though I've read many. Not only did it have to be in English, it's also a style far from what I'm usually writing. So I did it in my own way, he he. Let me know what you think!

In my home

As soon as she had unlocked the door and walked in to the apartment she sensed that something was…not wrong at first, but off, somehow; different. Almost with goose bumps she felt a tingling sense of her home holding a secret. The well known had been touched by strangeness.

She turned on the hall light, looked around and tried to figure out what gave her this feeling. Nothing instantly looked out of order. She dropped the keys in her pocket, put her bag down, took off her jacket and regretted it while hanging it on the hook, because the lingering feeling of uneasiness gave her the chills.

The thought of someone but her being inside her apartment occurred to her like a punch in the stomach. She quickly turned around, not seeing anyone she bent down and almost hysterically went through her bag until she found her cell phone. She dialed the 9, the first 1 and with strong hesitation finally the second 1, maybe she was just imagining? Now all she had to do was to press the call button, that her thumb was hovering over, as soon as she would actually see someone. In her other hand she grabbed the closest thing she could think of to use as a weapon; an umbrella which pointy top surely could do some damage. She stopped for a second to hope it wouldn’t be used against her, she had read somewhere that weapons meant for self defense often ended up being used against your self. She tried to shake the thought of being punched and stabbed with an umbrella and took a firmer grip, and even more so she tried to avoid the icky thought of actually having to stab someone.

Slowly she started to walk forward trough the hallway, turning left into the kitchen. Her heart throbbed high up in her throat when she saw things had been moved. Her crystal vase, which always stood, mostly unused, in the corner of the counter, was gone. She looked in through the cabinet with glass doors and saw that her grandpa’s antique glasses also were gone,those that he had given her with the condition that she would actually use them. -No point of them just collecting dust, her grandpa had said. For the record she had kept that promise, it had become a routine to buy a bottle of wine every time friends were going to come over to serve in those glasses. She started wondering, who was it that had been here, that took the time to steal glasses? A high society thief? She should check if her TV and her jewelries were gone too, but first she had to know if the thief was still in the apartment. While thinking that, she had definitely heard something! It had come from further in to the apartment. Holding her breath and slightly trembling she moved towards the living room.

Then everything happened very quickly.
-911, where is the emergency, said a voice she didn’t hear as the umbrella dropped to the floor.
She felt the knees bend and the hearth almost stop as her friends yelled: -Surprise!

Chocolate, coughs and culture.

What a weird morning.

Eating luxury chocolate, played some video games, then started cleaning out the fridge, all while my lungs are burning. Coughing now too. Freezing for a while, sweating for a while: obviously fever.

Should be impossible to get another cold again, but obviously not. And there's nothing I can do. Just another virus, just bad luck. =( Miss dancing sooooooo much.

The days (and nights) are getting so messed up after a period of just being sick. No energy and sleeping for a few hours, awake for a few, bored but no energy to actually do something. Blach, this is so frustrating.

Well... it could be worse I guess.

Listened to some Beatles and started thinking about how almost ironic it is that they were THE first big rock band, that started a phenomena, and they are still the best. Nothing can yet barely reach their level, and even if so surely not pass it... kind of amazing.

Maybe that's just my opinion?

Maybe that is why they were so good? Not in any genre yet, they dared to do something new and just go for it. Without expectations and not following any rules. Kind of what I'm aiming to do with my dancing. Dare to try my own approach. Try to forget about expectations. Explore with trial and error, find out what my audience wants and what I want to express. Find out how important it is to please and how important it is that I get to say what I want to say.

The balance between narcissism and sell-out... the balance between being the object or the subject, balance between having the attention and communicating.

Is art equal? How can I actually explore this? How can I change it into taking a form I want it to be?

Now I need to get healthy so I can start (continue) my path into creating art, maybe even be art. So I can write about the process, not just my expecting thoughts.

Oh no... I'm feeling sick again. My lungs are burning. I don't have any more energy to be sick! ='(

Blaachh

I'm good now but it's been a lousy few weeks. Cold after cold after flu after cold after allergy attack and throw some bad period pain in there. Yeah it has sucked pretty bad. Boring and depressing and soooo frustrating.

But everything comes to an end and thankfully so even this. I'm feeling better now, just tired, stressed out and pretty wiped out but as long as I'm healthy that's fixable =)

And I got some good news: A friend that I miss so much is coming to New York! =D