Sleep

Sleep. When I come home from dancing all day and stilled my hunger it is bliss to fall asleep and dream away. But still... I often dislike the need to sleep. I know the importance of dreams... It's just that every time I fall asleep I need to let go. To give up. It's surrendering. Because I have so many thoughts, so many ideas I wanna put into reality and when I fall asleep I have to let all that go. Maybe some ideas will be forgotten for ever. I'm not saying that they're necessarily great. But it's such a waste.

Tyckande

Läste just en artikel http://www.aftonbladet.se/kultur/article2357203.ab. Fastnade så för följande uttryck; "Men de rekryterades inte för sin kunskap, bildning eller sociala engagemang, som runt 1900, utan för sitt schvungfyllt brutala tyckande, vilket tidigare varit ett manligt privilegium."

...schvungfyllt brutala tyckande: Är det inte just så jag egentligen vill beskriva vad människor ibland värjer sig mot när de möter mig?
Det är tillåtet att som kvinna tycka och ha en åsikt. Nästan så att om hon inte visar det att hon kan betraktas som lite bimbo, för som kvinna ifrågasätts man mycket mer än som man. Men...ja, det finns ett men, hon ska tycka och tänka med måtta. Hon ska också äga de "kvinnliga egenskaperna" att kompromissa och vara ödmjuk. Att bara tycka med stor passion och självklarhet känner jag fortfarande är förunnat män. Inte officiellt kanske. (joo.) Men i sociala situationer. "Slappna av..." Det rynkas på näsan åt det. Det är för mycket. För ohanterligt. Men jag har aldrig någonsin haft som mål att vara hanterlig. Så jag har ju en förmåga att sätta mig själv i sådana situationer, då en diskussion startas. Jag kan förstå argumentet, även om jag inte håller med, att om det är en fest eller middag att vissa kanske inte vill ha för djuplodande diskussioner utan mer lättsam stämning. Det jag inte kan förstå är alla dessa irriterade känslor som ibland riktats emot mig i en sådan här situation, för aldrig, aldrig har det hänt mig att killen/mannen fått samma negativa respons!
Det är helt plötsligt MIN roll, inte killens, att kompromissa, ge med sig, runda av, avsluta. Jag känner ett ansvar som läggs på mig: diskussionen avslutas inte om inte jag tar initiativet till det, för helt självklart skall mannen få sista ordet!

Det är detta som ofta är jämställdhetens problem idag. Det outtalade men ändå klibbigt tydliga. Det förväntade.
Inga ord på ett papper. Så långt har vi kommit idag att vi börjat sätta upp regler och lagar mot diskriminering av kön. Attityderna är fortfarande ett problem. Inte alltid ord, kanske bara blickar och miner...

Boycott

I wish I was a better person. There are many things I try to avoid to buy. I always choose what I think is the better brand when I have a choice. But sometimes when I don't have a choice I cheat. But that's how the companies do it, because they know. They make sure that there's nothing other than their brand around. If there was a more organized movement around this I think I would be more disciplined for several reasons; I would know that there's others like me, I would feel like we're actually making a difference, may it be small....And also I would feel like I have more support.

I try to boycott Nestlé, but they own like a third of all products out there, so I'm probably buying it without knowing.

I would like more knowledge about this kind of stuff. Maybe the brand I choose because I think it's better is actually worse?

I try to boycott Coca Cola. But all of the sudden when I maybe ordered a drink I notice it's not Pepsi, but actually Coke. Some even say that Pepsi are as bad. I doubt that they are AS bad, and have actually never heard any proof that they would be worse than any other company, but as long as Coca Cola is around I choose the lesser of two evils.

I boycott McDonalds. Easy, I wouldn't wanna eat their food anyway. Especially not in NY where you have so many almost as cheap alternatives that tastes so much better and are so much healthier.

I boycott the Olympics in China.

And soon I'm gonna boycott negative thinking. Ha!

Sniff sniff sad

I went through all the stages of grief... first denial, then anger. But mostly just pure disappointment and sadness. My camera is not working! Such a travesty....
I think I'm addicted to that little thing. It helps me to catch a moment, a feeling. All those things I try so hard with when it comes to writing is sometimes so easy with a photo. "A picture is worth a 1000 words", or as we say in swedish: "a picture says more than a 1000 words" ...well it depends on the picture and it depends on the words.

Well now I need to be left alone to grieve. Buuäääähh ='(

It's art.

I love the subtly implied. The minimalistic greatness. That easiness that's so complicated to achieve. A logic based on emotions.

Ooh to find that...that's truly art to me.

The tale of how two "bad"s became one "good"

Took too long getting ready. So mad at myself. Missing the ONE class I care about tuesdays. My favourite teacher. Why am I always so slow. So out of energy. Grrr... And then a thought hit me. I hadn't even looked at the substitute schedule, what if..... And yes, she wasn't even teaching today! Ha, I didn't miss anything! I don't have to be so mad at myself.

(Still sucks that I'm not getting to take that class this week but I'll make it up in the future!)

Empire state building

The performance this weekend is really fun so far =)


And somehow it lead to this picture:

Svenska myter.

Näcken spelar oss i sjön och skogsrået leder oss vilse i skogen och älvorna vill inte bli sedda....kanske kanske är det inte för att vi svenskar är rädda för allt som myterna är som de är...utan kanske kanske är det en stilla insikt om att det vi tycker oss se är vackrast som det är, när vi tror. Granskar vi närmare och letar efter förklaringar kanske vi granskar sönder det vackra. Att ibland måste man låta vara. Låta växa. Inte för att det inte är sant om vi granskar närmare. Utan för att det kanske är precis som det är sådär på avstånd.

Godnatt. Godmorgon.

Why not?

It feels like I'm getting into a why-not-mentality right now. Things I before would have said no to, I now throw myself into. Not on the verge to stupidity. But it feels like I now have the energy to explore the twilight zone of my own boundaries. I'm confident enough to get involved in things I haven't tried before. As long as I'm not talking about drugs but mostly about art I think this is good for me. ;) I've always had periods when I've been braver than usual and expanded my views, but sometimes it's also good to stay in the safe zone, to build up a place to stay, to feel safe within, so you always have a place to go back to. And now when I have that safe place, it's time again to explore...to grow.

If any of these projects end up the way I want I'll present them here or link to them. If not....well then I'll just hope they will be soon forgotten mistakes with a lesson to remember. Maybe I'll even share that lesson.

Ideas

I have a lot of thoughts that I need to find time to write about here... coming soon.... I promise!

Unnecessary sleep

It annoys me... that some days are so short and my energy runs out so quickly. Life is too short to sleep it away and a day is way too short to do all the things I want to do. I want to take my classes, I wanna take some photos, I wanna eat some good food, preferably cook it myself. Then I wanna listen to my music and read some books, write my own texts and poems. I wanna see my friends and spend some time with my family, (even though most parts of it live too far away now =( ). I want to see those films I always said I wanted to see. And let's not forget about all those things that needs to be done, washing dishes, cleaning floors, doing laundry, wiping surfaces, sort those papers out and develop those film rolls before they get too old. Have I payed the bills, mailed the letters, returned all the phone calls, replied to the emails?
And when all that is done, new day, new ideas...

I guess prioritization and balance are words that I should pay attention to now.... bah.

Outer space and spaced out.

At first I didn't want this blog to be so much about my own person and happenings but more about my opinions on things... But to keep this blog going, for me not to feel limited, I think it has to be a little of that too here!

Today was a crappy monday, but this weekend was pretty entertaining! Saturday I saw the surface of the moon!! Two men with telescopes were standing by central park west, and everyone was free to take a look at the outer space. They had one aimed at the moon, wich was very bright that night! I saw the surface, the craters. It was the coolest thing I've seen in a very long time! And the other telescope was aimed at Saturn. I saw Saturn, a planet so far away, with it's beautiful rings and moons. Sooooo cool.

Yesterday, sunday, I was suppose to meet up with a friend. Her friend was producing a movie and he convinced us to be extras. So we we're hanging out at the set for hours... I ended up being one of the few that had to stick around for almost every scene they were filming that night. I highly doubt that I'm gonna be seen at all in the final result, but they also filmed over my shoulder so the back of my head might get 5 seconds of fame, ha ha. I think it's gonna be kind of you-tube quality, we'll see. It's like a comic democratic promotion video.

And today a friend called me and took me up on a almost forgotten promise to be in his production show. It's a performance this weekend already, and I have no clue what I'm suppose to do except dancing to some beats. Gaaah it makes me nervous when it's that un-organized.... and I'm un-prepared...but dancing to some beats, I guess I could handle that ;)

Here's some photos I took last week:

Music video... ;)

Thanks to J and R for introducing me to my new favourite music video!!! Hahahahaha....

Word: dancer.

A dancer on a stage. Like a word on a paper. One single word on an otherwise empty sheet. Just like that word the dancing is not only about that particular dancer on the otherwise still stage. It's about all the other words we refer to this word. It's about all those words we think are missing. The space. Space in time, space in room. Space inside us.

Maybe the words were never missing. By that single word being there, reminding us, all those other words come to us.

To me dancing and poetry have a lot in common. What makes a sentence poetry instead of just plain communication? What makes a movement dance instead of just a pedestrian action? I wouldn't say that there's a fine line in between. I would say both dance and poetry co-exist with the every day life. The movement of me putting on a shoe could be dance. Put the scenario on a stage and the struggle to make the shoe fit on the foot and the simple complication of the lacing can be a tragic but yet loving dance. Same things with words. Take the sentence your friend said yesterday. Pick it apart and let it stand by itself. Clearly poetry material. But if we never put that putting-on-of-the-shoe-thing on a stage? Does that still make it dance? Well I'm not the first one to ask that question even though I see it from a different angle: ...."if a tree falls in the forest and there's no-one there to hear it, does it make a sound?"

Sun and dance: PERFECT

Here's proof! =) Yesterday when I walked to my ballet session I took some photos of the trees that had started to bloom... A day with cold air but very warming sun….And today is even warmer, I’m excited to soon step out, even if I’m soon going to be swallowed up by the building that I call school. I’m even more excited about that though.

I’m tired and my body is tired and I’m dreading that warm-up but still nothing can hold me back!

Excuses

Ok I'm back! I will write more often in the future. But I've been visited by flue, cold 1, 2, 3 and 100, and when i took a walk from union square to times square this past Monday I noticed that the trees have started blooming so I guess that also explains this pollen allergic person's lack of energy...

But now the colds are over (I refuse one more!!)...knock on wood...and I'm back into dancing and thinking lots about art again...what art is, what dance is. My body is sore from training again, but if there is such a thing as good pain, that's what it feels like! =)

So for better (warm sun) and for worse (pollen) the spring is here, I can feel it. It wont be cold again. But more importantly it's here in a metaphorical way. Spring in my mind.
I love summer and beach and just the fact to be comfortable outside without layers and layers of clothes and the air doesn't hurt to breath is so wonderful and I can't wait. But at the same time I think spring is a rough season. I get slightly depressed. Worrying analyzing too much. Evaluating the year that's passed. The winter. Like the mind is waking up from it's winter hibernation.

But I guess I'm not alone in that feeling. At least Karin Boye's famous quote summarize the feeling. "Det gör ont när knoppar brister". (whats the translation?? it hurts when buds bloom???)

Is that what's happening to me when spring comes: I bloom? Ha! Sure feels like it. So many times I've heard, "and you're supposed to be from Sweden"... whenever I complained about the cold. I love snow. But even more I love a warm beach, being in the ocean....aaaaaah!

Now I have to hurry, I'm gonna go and take ballet class, he he

/Ballerina in the making