January 9th

Wrote this long ago but never posted. I think it's time to do so.

I knew before I heard the news it would be the worst day in my life.
Trying to grasp the ungraspable.
What was never allowed to happen finally hit like an evil scornful punch by the devil hard in my stomach, right before he tore my heart out.
It doesn't make sense, it's not logical and not possible.
I know at some point I'll have to accept it. I'll have to forgive.
But the walls of my reality have crumbled down and I'm standing alone in the ruins. Any voice and any hand would help right now. I can gratefully feel them but I'm not strong enough to reach them.
For you, only for you, I have to try to pull myself up, do what I have to do and beyond.
I will try.

To fly

So low in the sky it shines straight into your eyes
Blinded by the brightest light you can still feel the warmth from the setting sun.
A wing
is aching with will to fly
Hidden behind your back
Not visible to anyone but me
It rests in despair
Longing to stretch and take you to new heights.
Reminded by every breeze how masses of air feels underneath you.
You constantly fail to recognize your unlikely and magical ability.
Impossible you say and blame logic
Denying what's obvious to me.
I feel insulted and ridiculed by you
But then you smile and your eyes mirrors the warmth from the sun.
Well if you can fly
A wing can cry
But you can't fly because you're not realizing
And the wing doesn't cry because it doesn't have eyes that can look at me the way you do.

Growing up, getting old.

So this is what it's like growing up...getting old...
All the music artists you grow up with (by choice or blasted from radios or MTV) are dying off. Your childhood heroes are long since gone, faded or has disappointed. Relatives die. Parents die. You might still have some people that are very important around you but you're starting to realize: this is it. It's up to you. Now it's time for you to create your life. It will not go any further than you take it. Is this what you imagined? Have you changed your priorities? Are you here because you want to, out of habit or because you're out of options? You never are; The options might not be great at the moment, but they're always there. You just have to make the decision, might it be an active one or a passive one. Who are you surrounding yourself with, and why? Are you good to yourself? Are you accepting yourself for who you are? The limitations and the possibilities...?
So many old questions are starting to become relevant once again. And you have a nagging feeling that this might be the last chance to answer them before they turn into only theory. You want the answers to affect your life in reality, with awareness, not just become empty phrases in hindsight.

Maybe, if you're lucky, it's not about "growing up and getting old" but about " constantly growing and growing wise".

I cut off my hair.

It became symbolic. The old feelings grew out my hair. Now they're cut off. New year, new hope, new hair. Phoenix is slowly rising. It will take time before she flies but from the ashes, through the fire she's growing.

Money salt

Time and money is like salt.
It's needed, it adds to everything, but it can be damaging and never the main course in itself.
Money is oh so important to get the materialistic things we need to be able to focus on other qualities in life.

Usually I'm pretty good with abstract concepts... Time and money doesn't add anything in itself, it's all about how you use it. The meaningless of it by itself makes it hard for me to grasp it, to value it. Even though I'm very well aware of its necessity and dire impact on life.

Help

To ask for help when you need it is not only sometimes the strong thing to do but also the only way to learn how to solve certain situations. If I put it like this it becomes even more obvious; if you don't have the answer to a question, you need to ask someone else. Gather information from other sources to find the answers within you.

By identifying your limits you learn how to push them forward. Like any training or school you can't teach yourself everything, you need other people sometimes.
That's why you also, every now and then, need to be that person that shares your own knowledge, that you might have acquired with the help of others. The more you share and the more you ask and listen to others, the more our communal wisdom grows.

To do, what to do

I'm going back and forth between anxiety, about my miles long to do list, and determination.

I can do this. I'm not gonna succumb into apathy, overwhelmed by fear and self doubt.

I just need to structure my daily life. Not run away from it, not try to hide any more. Prioritize. Deal with the uncomfortable situations. Feel the hard emotions, resolve the consequences from past actions.

This is the time to do it. This is the start.

Oh god give me strength.

A good new year...

I'm unpacking boxes, sorting through a lot of stuff. The more I do the more I realize how much there is that needs to be done. The ever growing to do list. The metaphor to real life is inevitable.
I am really hoping for a good 2012 for all of us. I believe it will be a better year than last. Anyone that knows me well know that that's not a hard task... Statistically very very likely.
It scared me too. Am I ready to be happy? After a few days of contemplating I realized the answer is no. But I'm finally ready to be sad. Last year was the year it all happened. Where I lost so much. This is the year to grieve. To improve. To go forward. I'm finally ready to be sad. I don't need to distract myself, numb myself, anymore. I'm ready to feel pain. I'm ready to work through it. Last year I wasn't. It was too much to bear, too overwhelming to feel. The fear took me to even darker places but it's where I had to go in order to see where that small spark of light could be. Now I'm gonna bite down. Feel that pain. It's not going to be easy. Not going to be fun. I'm not going to be happy. Because this is not the year to be happy. This is the year to BECOME happy.

Please support me through this process. Be my friend. ...I'm talking as much to myself as to anyone else.