If the answer is never, I can't stop living my life, stop creating, stop feeling while waiting in vain. I just have to push through, feel the pain and actually be in it.
So even though I don't want to spread negative vibes and I don't want this sadness to define me I'm still gonna publish the depressive stuff that pours out from my soul.
Take it with a grain of salt.
22 December, 2011
20 December, 2011
Not so merry Christmas.
Every Christmas light is like a scorn. All the pretty glitter is taunting loudly. The symbol of the tree, a repetitive reminder of what's missing.
Here we go, once again, the story repeating itself, with the not comforting exception that the very unimaginable worst has already happen.
But why not bruise that heart some more. Like if it wasn't already sore and heavy we have to make sure that pain can still be felt.
What was purposely numbed and pushed into submission got lured out, now bursting in hurting agony. The hope that was hidden in jaded emptiness woke. Now crushed into smithereens, which each tremble of fear. The naive innocence from a pure need is pounding with diseased anxiety.
A heart that hates, hope became fear, dreams turned into disappointment. This is what we learned. And yet history got repeated.
It's time to give up. Move on. Crawl back into the shell, don't even poke your nose out. Live sheltered, lonely and stay busy. Don't leave time for thoughts to wander. To sneakily grow into expectations and desires.
Why do you never learn? There is no perfection and no happy endings. Your cynicism should've told you there's a reason fairy tales ends when they do; what happens after is an ugly truth.
Here we go, once again, the story repeating itself, with the not comforting exception that the very unimaginable worst has already happen.
But why not bruise that heart some more. Like if it wasn't already sore and heavy we have to make sure that pain can still be felt.
What was purposely numbed and pushed into submission got lured out, now bursting in hurting agony. The hope that was hidden in jaded emptiness woke. Now crushed into smithereens, which each tremble of fear. The naive innocence from a pure need is pounding with diseased anxiety.
A heart that hates, hope became fear, dreams turned into disappointment. This is what we learned. And yet history got repeated.
It's time to give up. Move on. Crawl back into the shell, don't even poke your nose out. Live sheltered, lonely and stay busy. Don't leave time for thoughts to wander. To sneakily grow into expectations and desires.
Why do you never learn? There is no perfection and no happy endings. Your cynicism should've told you there's a reason fairy tales ends when they do; what happens after is an ugly truth.
26 May, 2011
28 December, 2010
27 December, 2010
New York is tucked in.
Under a cover of snow.
The blizzard that hit NYC two days ago gave all us high wound New Yorkers a reason to stay in, stay at home, close down our businesses and comfortably relax. Use what we already have at home. Pretend like the outside world stopped existing because of the snow.
Under a cover of snow.
The blizzard that hit NYC two days ago gave all us high wound New Yorkers a reason to stay in, stay at home, close down our businesses and comfortably relax. Use what we already have at home. Pretend like the outside world stopped existing because of the snow.
It's so empty outside. Quiet. Streets are almost empty of cars and the car services are shut down. I don't blame them after all the cars that got stuck in the snow in the middle of the road.
But it has stopped snowing now.
So I expect New York to get back to it hectic self by tomorrow.
27 November, 2010
Thanksgiving
I spent Thanksgiving with all non Americans. But I must say we did a pretty good job at celebrating this american holiday =)
Here's some before and after pics:
Before:
After:
Snowstorm vs 83 degrees
This morning I received a picture from my brother in snowy Sweden and another picture from my friend in Hawaii. As I'm giggling a bit at the contrasts I'm also thinking about how much I want, need, to travel, and these two images really represents to where.
My body is craving sunshine and vacation, relaxing at a beach somewhere warm and to swim in the ocean! But my soul craves a visit where I have my roots. To go back to where I come from, the place that will always be a part of my identity. Above all, I NEED to see my family. I miss them so much it has become an aching pain I'm constantly carrying around. I also have friends there I'm missing so badly; I feel like I'm missing a part of myself.
If all goes well, cross your fingers and say a prayer please, I'll go to Sweden in February or early spring.
If I somehow could afford it that would give me enough time to go on a short vacation somewhere.
Money...ah, sigh.
So many holes to fill.
My laptop is getting older and older, soon it will retire, if it doesn't go senile first... I haven't had a camera since I lost mine about five months ago, my creativity is itching for a new one.
Being winter and all i also feel a need to improve my home, my clothes and things like a new blanket for example.
But soon I'll be climbing on the walls if I don't get out of this city! Only fun if I know I get to come back of course! =) I love my home; my New York City. Although if I don't get any other perspective soon I might grow to resent it. I really don't want that to happen because life here can be so fantastic!
.........How to prioritize?
26 November, 2010
11 May, 2010
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