Adding some...

Ok now when I got out most of my aggressions ;) in the last post I would like to add some things.

Maybe there isn't any exceptions to the behaviour I was describing, maybe those were the exceptions to the general behaviour....?

And now when I've been thinking about it....maybe it's much more about how the Swedish guys sometimes act that annoys me, more than just any Swede.

Hmmmm...

And just as a disclaimer so not the wrong people get offended, I also met very nice Swedish people during Midsummer =)

Swedish Sweden

This weekend that just passed was the Swedish holiday Midsummer. If you haven't encountered it before here's a short description:

We make a big phallic symbol out of grass, which we raise into the the ground. Then we dance like frogs around it. This is a family event, we bring food and have a picnic. It's also an excuse to get drunk. (We always need one.)


A thought about being a Swede, and being amongst them, at parties:

I haven't been living in Sweden for about five years. So I'm slowly starting to forget certain things... like why was it that I didn't like big crowds of Swedes again?? I was actually looking forward to Midsummer this year, to see some countrymen, yay.
The picnic was really nice in the evening sun in Battery Park. Lots and lots of Swedish people on blankets, eating, drinking, talking.
We got invited to some house party after this.
Sure, friends of my friends, must be fun!
So there we were, in this nice apartment with mostly Swedish people.
Then it slowly came back to me....how Swedes can be....
I'm aware that I'm being very general here, feel free to object.
I'm sure they all are very nice people....but when together they fall back into Swedish behaviour. It's hard to explain but...I'll try.
They stand in clicks. Talking to those they already know.
I don't really get the point of throwing a party if you are totally uninterested in getting to know new people.
You try to talk to the Swedes, and they shrug their shoulders without a smile.
It could be shyness. This is a common excuse. So then to make up for this shyness....you don't really want to admit that you have this Swedish characteristic, do you, you have to act like it's really because you're so...cool?
Ok to give you an example: They had a pool table. Some guys started playing pool, and did most of the night. My friend wanted to join. That didn't seem like a good idea. They said...hmmm...I dunno...Are you any good then?
It's a party.
Where people are suppose to have fun. (I thought)
Does it really matter if you're good or not??

This is just small things but all together it becomes a pattern of behaviour that I recognize to well from Sweden.
Sometimes, I remember back from Sweden, there were sometimes almost an obsession with not getting across new people. If I would throw a birthday party I could get comments like: No, you can't invite those people to the same party, they hang out in different crowds!
I just love to talk to new people...and so does most of the Swedes I know too. But that's when you meet them one on one. Or in a different enviroment. But together in a group under very Swedish circumstances...well let's just say, it wouldn't be my favourite place to bring my american friends, or any non-Swedish friend, I'm worried they would feel very lonely.

Of course, there are always exceptions!! As well as at the party I was at. But generally, it's a pattern of different social codes, wich even the nicest people fall into. So do I. Sadly. But I'm trying to be aware so I could choose how I want to behave more. Not just being raised by the surrounding expectations, which can also be good to a certain extent.

Forest hand

Forest Hand

Found a photo that I took a few years ago. Noticing a theme. Hands seem to fascinate me so.

To grow up...

When I was a kid, around 4-5 years old, I wanted to spell my name. With a red crayon in my hand I started to write the letters down, but since this was a new world to me I wanted to check with my mum.
So: O-F-I-A right?
My mum nicely reminded me about the S.
No, no, no I explained, I wanted to wright MY name!
O, f, i, a.
Yes but my name started with an S she explained.
After some discussion it hit me. The world as I viewed it changed forever.
I was shocked. Insulted. Offended.
My mum, my very own mum, had given me a name that started with a letter I couldn't pronounce!
My name wasn't Ofia, it was Sofia!
That's just disturbing: I had to go through life with a name I couldn't pronounce! How could my own mum be so mean??

The reason I remember this might not be the shock (even if it was tremendous...hmpfh...) but can maybe be that this occurrence slowly led to the realization that I would learn more and more and grow and get smarter and smarter. I guess this hadn't really been of importance to me before.

And during the last few years I've slowly come to another of these world revolving realizations.

When I was 4 or 5 I came to terms with that my name was Sofia, I learned to even love that S in the beginning of my name, I learned to pronounce it pretty quickly, and I also realized that I would be like my mum one day: I would grow up, I would be an adult one day, I would learn more, I would know as much as she does.

And here I am. I'm grown up. I'm an adult. I've learned a lot. But here comes the sad realization: I will never be as smart as my mum!

I kind of waited for that day to happen. But it never will! She is and will always be the smartest woman I know! Smart as a mum, as a friend and as constant proofreader and thinker.

So ever since that day as a kid when I realized my disillusion I just replaced it with another one. Huh. Kind of sucks doesn't it?

Flashback...

I suddenly had a flashback and I don't really know if this is the right place to share this but why not? =)
I remembered how mean the boys could be. The meanest of them all (to me) weren't the boys in school that were harassing the girls. (Literally sexually harassing, and the teachers refused to listen, but that my friends is a different story.)
What I remember is how mean the guys who wanted something were. Really what they wanted I never really could figure out, because God forbid they would tell, but I've done my guesses. Maybe they fell in love, maybe they just wanted you to fall in love with them, maybe they just wanted a moment of attention. That far it's all really innocent and maybe even cute. What bothers me is what happens next. When they don't get that attention. No reaffirmation. No admiring. Then all of the sudden the nasty words and stories got spread like the winter flu. From mouth to mouth, those harsh words and stories. Silent treating or name calling. Maybe sometimes exaggerations but mostly straight out lies. That everybody wanted to believe, because the one to question would receive the same treatment.

When you sometimes started to get close to someone. Believing you're finding a friend. You got disappointed when they told you, or showed you, this wasn't enough. The disappointment wouldn't end there but escalate for every story you heard trying to attempt to damage your name and your person.

And the girls weren't much better themselves. Believing what they heard or pretending so to gain approval. Maybe using them to get what they themselves desired. Well all is fair in love and war as they say. And the line between love and war is often fine in that age.

If I would ever to complain about the way things went down...well, I usually couldn't. Because most of my so called friends saw this as something I should be flattered by, since I obviously wanted attention so much. (Why would I otherwise have done such a thing as TALKING to a GUY?) So trying to defend myself was bragging. If it all had started with someone showing interest in me I should be grateful. It seemed like the general opinion was that if you got that, it was worth whatever aftermath it might have. And if I ever tried to tell my version of what had happened it was obvious that since I cared so much it must have been me that was in love with the guy and not the other way around.

Well now afterwards when I'm older and I know the stories can't touch me I look back at this time nostalgically. A life so filled with drama explains why I never was too much into watching any tv-series. ;)

The times have changed. The girls are now women and good friends. But every once in a while I still meet so called men behaving exactly by the same pattern as those boys from long ago.

To me friendship have always been the most precious thing. If you're not ready for that you're not ready for any kind of relationship.

(Hmmm...If men treated women as humans and not as objects I don't think this would be much of a problem. )

You might get disappointed when somebody you like more than just as a friend don't want the same as you do, and it's ok to be disappointed...but how much do you really like a person if you are ready to punish them for not liking you exactly the way you want them to?

As I see it, the most attractive characteristic is being able to be a good friend. Even if you want something more and it doesn't happen at once, it's a good place to start. It might never happen but do you lose something in gaining an extra friend?
Anyways I'd prefer that than to gaining an enemy...which you are if you are telling lies and stories about someone just because they didn't want the same as you.

Tired tired thought

How bad can a pair of legs look? Time to stop the complexes and realize that if I don't crawl out of my jeans and put on the short skirt I'm gonna be sick from overheating. So I do and the pervs eyes me from top to toe, toe to top, I feel naked and uncomfortable. I'm not an object and I now know that my legs, or any other part of my body, is not for anyone to judge. Not even me, it's just my body, what makes me alive, not an object to judge by look. It's my tool, my instrument as a dancer and should be appreciated as such.

We all got complexes and we all got over exaggerated thoughts over how important our personal ugliness is but matter of fact is that almost nobody cares but ourselves. We all want to feel beautiful, and all we can do is to make the best out of what we got, and that should be enough to make us feel satisfied and relaxed.

Rainy Sunday (Big City Jungle)

The city does sleep sometimes.

On Sundays after the chaotic weekends.

Or maybe it's then the city truly is wakening.

Took a walk a rainy Sunday in May
This is what I saw that day

Health care

There's many obvious cons with the kind of health care they have in the US. But there are suppose to be a few pros with it. I've heard American doctors complain about the long waiting times in countries with health care for everyone. As I've understood it the few good things about the American system is that for those who have insurance the care you get is good care, and that there's not suppose to be any waiting times. I'm writing right now to kill both these myths. From own experience.

Last week I needed to see a doctor for very simple reasons. I've started feeling these pollen really bad and I just needed to get a prescription. It took me days and days to call around to try to find a doctor within the next week. Impossible. Finally I found a walk in clinic, but that doesn't mean I have received my medication yet. That's an even longer story but I think you already got the picture.

Also earlier I received a serious knee injury. The waiting times to see my doctor or just to communicate with him took longer than my actual rehabilitation. He wanted to do surgery. I saw another doctor for a second opinion that said that he didn't see any need for this type of surgery but wanted to do another surgery. Do I need to mention that they get paid more for every surgery they get to do?

I felt like a walking moneybag they were ready to dig in to, looking for reasons. I did not trust these doctors. Today I'm dancing without any pain in my knee. And I never had any surgery done.

This system does not benefit anyone but maybe only a few of the richest doctors or the very few richest people that been "lucky" to find a doctor they trust.

It's time for a change in this country. If I could vote I would vote for Hillary Clinton and for universal health care.

Time for some cheese =)

Just found my old quotes from different lyrics... and I think they're worth sharing here too.

Du blir så ensam när du drömmer grandiost
Du blir så hånad, bränd och blåst
/Lars Winnerbäck

Please respect my disrespect
/Deportees

The more I talk about it, the less I do control.
Everything, means everything.
Can't understand a word, half of the stuff I'm sayin.
/Phoenix

Och så en gammal klassiker:
Fortsätt o fortsätt o va dig själv,
fortsätt o fortsätt o va rebell.
/Ebba Grön

A few years ago a friend asked me what I wanted with my dancing, what was my goal. That is something that I constantly reevaluate. But at that time I just laughed and said my goal was to be best in the world. My friend claimed that it wasn't particular original to want to be best in the world.

To want to be original. How original is that?
To want to travel and see the world we're living in, to have good times, to learn so we can become better at what we do...isn't that dreams that most of us all have?
To do laundry and to do grocery shopping...how original is that? But to be able to find a joy in it, to make it something nice, that's original. It might take five extra minutes but makes none of the minutes wasted.
That is my goal. Not with dancing but in life. To surround myself with people that can stop and enjoy life even in the "small" things. That's how small can grow and become big. To surround myself with people that make me happy. To try to be one of those people...

Första maj!

Idag, på arbetarrörelsens högtidsdag, vill jag uppmana till att fortsätta kämpa för frihet, jämlikhet och syskonskap.

Runt om i världen idag sker många orättvisor: människor behandlas ojämlikt, förtrycks och rent av förföljs och mördas i krig.
Det finns dem som vill att vi ska blunda för allt detta. Istället bara delta i kapitalismens spektakel. Ta OS i Kina som exempel. Där förväntas vi fira en sportfest. Men låt oss istället ta tillfället i akt att uppmärksamma orättvisorna där. I Sverige idag firar vi att vi kan gå ut på våra gator, demonstrera, göra våra röster hörda tillsammans. I Kina är detta något du kan bli bestraffad och torterad för. (Som ett exempel av flera: http://www.amnesty.org/en/appeals-for-action/permission-denied-housing-rights-activist-prison)

Men även I Sverige har vi en lång väg att gå. I Sverige idag kan du bli straffad bl.a. för att du har ett handikapp, för att du är kvinna, för att du är invandrare, för din sexuella läggning eller kanske bara för att du är äldre. Straffad, inte genom tortyr och fångenskap tack och lov, men genom att inte behandlas som en jämlike. Metoden är pengar. Att sakta, eller i vissa fall svindlande fort, slå dig ut ur samhället. Vi måste värna om de metoder som istället finns för att lyckas hålla dig kvar i det. Utbildning för alla. Sjukvård för alla. När kommer tandvård för alla?

Välfärd är något vi i Sverige sakta utvecklar. Till följd av hårt arbete av folk som dagar som denna protesterat och höjt sina röster. Vi har kommit så långt som vi har för att vi lyssnat på dessa röster. Låt oss inte stanna nu. Låt oss fortsätta kampen. Låt inte en högerregering rasera detta. Låt inte en odemokratisk, kapitalistisk union rasera detta. Låt inte vår bortskämdhet att ta välfärden för givet rasera detta. Experimentera inte med liv, investera i det som vi vet på lång sikt är det enda lönsamma för vårat samhälle: en välfärd för alla. Frihet, jämlikhet och syskonskap. Ord som aldrig blir gamla. Men som kan utvecklas till att innebära mer och mer. Bli starkare. Tillsammans.
Tystna inte! Tala istället ännu högre och tydligare!

Idag, första maj, en vårdag. Låt det våras också för oss. För Sverige. För världen.

Med hoppfullhet, men också med insikt om att det tar hårt arbete, med en önskan om fred och rättvisa /Sofia